A few days ago, I turned 36. There were balloons and cake and lovely gifts the night before. My daughters love any reason to party (and eat cake!) so we all had a lot of fun.
But I'm not going to sugar coat it, or tie it up in a neat little package, it was a weird day.
Plans for a simple outing with the kids fell through and I ended up feeling incredibly....angry.
Like "storming-around-the-house-throwing-toys-and-yelling" kind of angry. This happens to people sometimes, and maybe you've been there. Out of your sensible mind, giving into powerful emotions instead of trying to process them in a healthy way. Such a strange -and secretive- part of human behavior.
I'm sharing this with you because there are incredible gifts hidden in those shameful, sad, embarrasing parts of our lives. The real gift of my thirty-sixth birthday was that I saw myself there, in the middle of an ordinary day, totally losing it. I saw myself tired, and cooped up, and lonely and frustrated. I saw myself on the other side of a move to a new state, renting my house, creating a new home, traveling for the holidays and staring at a new year in a new place.
And the only thing I allowed myself to feel was compassion.
Not shame. Not disappointment. Not regret.
This was my birthday gift.
My silly actions, my soul fever, was the only way I could get myself to pay attention. I was ignoring every other sign of discomfort- tired body, dark circles, even physical pain- and it was time to wake up!
We are settled into Connecticut, and it is definitely time for some exquisite self-care, for the things that make me happy and truly feed my soul - a walk outside each day, a weekly yoga class, time to write in my journal, a massage, a new haircut, a relaxing bedtime ritual. It is time to turn some of the attention onto myself, to care for myself a little more.
And, I'm caring for you a little more today, too. The next time that you find yourself feeling tense or tight or frustrated or downright angry, remember my birthday gift. Let go of all the judgment. Wrap your arms around yourself like you would your children. I see you. I know that you are doing the very best that you can.
14 comments:
You are human like the rest of us sweet Al? Makes me feel better and I appreciate your honesty. Thanks and keep the blogs coming (when you have time - AFTER you have had YOU time). :)Erica Hanson
This made me tear up Allison!! You are so right. Thank you for sharing and bravo for recognizing!!
Yup. Completely human, Erica. And I think 36 has a lot more to show me, I'm not going anywhere. xo
Thanks for cheering me on, Lisa!
Love this post....I have definitely been there! I grew up in CT, its not half bad! Esp if you are near the water! Enjoy!
Thanks Ruthann. Despite my birthday, I really am loving CT so far!!
I am shamefully saying this is only one of the few posts I've read from you, yet I read it on a day where I could have really used my friend across the street. All the same pent up emotions of my chaotic life came bubbling to the surface today. I'm so grateful to you for writing this and reminding me of what's important. It gave much comfort to think of you "seeing" me....not in a creepy way :-) Suzie
Suzie, one of the things I miss the most is the way we helped eachother through those days. We'd be laughing before the day was over! Time to find new ways to care for ourselves in the middle of our busy days.
Thanks for sharing this Allison. I have been feeling very sad, angry and overwhelmed over the past week. I keep beating myself up for it. It's inspiring to see your example of self compassion.
Sad, angry and overwhelmed offer so many gifts, too. I know I've missed many, getting hung up on what I "should" have been instead. Thank you for visiting, Anne!
Oh - i love a burst of authenticity. I love you even more- which is a lot. You inspire so many and teach us so much. Happy Birthday. xoxoxo
Thank you, beautiful Monica! I love the way a burst of authenticity leaves you feeling! Good for the soul, this truth-telling is. xo
Allison this is beautiful. Well said. As mums, we tend to be so hard on ourselves. Yes, it's important to nurture ourselves, as well as the rest of our family. All the best in your new home. xxoo
Thanks so much, Julie.
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