We've been talking a lot in our house about human needs lately. With a daughter who
recently started kindergarten, it's been interesting to see how she
transitioned to being away from home, immersed in a new environment with new
people, new rules, new routines and new information coming at her all day
long.
Like most kids, there have been some bumps along the way,
but she settled into her new rhythm with much enthusiasm. Where we
continued to be challenged was at the end of the long day, back at home together.
Bickering with neighbors, sibling arguments, and general crankiness were
becoming a daily occurrence.
As parents, we have a couple of choices when we're living
with Crabby Appleton. We can go on insisting on "good
girl" behavior, continue intervening in these daily disagreements trying
to find peaceful solutions OR we can step back and look at the big picture. What is the underlying unmet need driving this behavior?
In the 1940's Psychologist Abraham Maslow published his
theory on the Hierarchy of Needs to describe what motivates humans as
they grow and mature. When the needs are not met, humans display an array
of behaviors to compensate. We can look at any problem through this lens and we can
always be curious about how to help our loved ones meet their needs.
In our own house recently, my husband and I had to first
stop resisting the fighting that was happening; then we were able to meet it
with compassion and get down to the unmet needs. For our Kindergartener
there's definitely some need for food and rest at the end of the school day,
but we also observed that our daughter wanted autonomy. She wants to be
able to decide for herself what to do, how the game will go, and what will come
next. Self-directed play in the truest sense of the term!
The truth is that there isn't much time for this kind of play in the public schools today. From morning bell until dismissal, children's choices are directed or limited by others. Providing freedom after school can be so nourishing for children. In my family, we created space and freedom when we decided to forgo most after school activities, only play with the neighborhood kids once in a while, and keep toys and art supplies easily accessible for unstructured play.
We've been
happy to see the return of smiles, laughter and light-heartedness after
school. It's an excellent reminder that we DO know our children, and
that if their behavior is changing dramatically, we never have to accept that
it's the way things have to be. Our children- like each of us- are just
trying to have their needs met.
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