I need autonomy!

We've been talking a lot in our house about human needs lately.  With a daughter who recently started kindergarten, it's been interesting to see how she transitioned to being away from home, immersed in a new environment with new people, new rules, new routines and new information coming at her all day long. 

Like most kids, there have been some bumps along the way, but she settled into her new rhythm with much enthusiasm.  Where we continued to be challenged was at the end of the long day, back at home together.  Bickering with neighbors, sibling arguments, and general crankiness were becoming a daily occurrence. 

As parents, we have a couple of choices when we're living with Crabby Appleton.  We can go on insisting on "good girl" behavior, continue intervening in these daily disagreements trying to find peaceful solutions OR we can step back and look at the big picture.  What is the underlying unmet need driving this behavior? 

In the 1940's Psychologist Abraham Maslow published his theory on the Hierarchy of Needs to describe what motivates humans as they grow and mature.  When the needs are not met, humans display an array of behaviors to compensate. We can look at any problem through this lens and we can always be curious about how to help our loved ones meet their needs.   

In our own house recently, my husband and I had to first stop resisting the fighting that was happening; then we were able to meet it with compassion and get down to the unmet needs.  For our Kindergartener there's definitely some need for food and rest at the end of the school day, but we also observed that our daughter wanted autonomy.  She wants to be able to decide for herself what to do, how the game will go, and what will come next.  Self-directed play in the truest sense of the term! 

The truth is that there isn't much time for this kind of play in the public schools today.  From morning bell until dismissal, children's choices are directed or limited by others.  Providing freedom after school can be so nourishing for children.  In my family, we created space and freedom when we decided to forgo most after school activities, only play with the neighborhood kids once in a while, and keep toys and art supplies easily accessible for unstructured play. 

We've been happy to see the return of smiles, laughter and light-heartedness after school.  It's an excellent reminder that we DO know our children, and that if their behavior is changing dramatically, we never have to accept that it's the way things have to be.  Our children- like each of us- are just trying to have their needs met.

Read more about Autonomy in Early Childhood Education.

Read more about Emerging Autonomy and family dynamics.

Summer of Love::Check In

I want to reach out to my community today to ask “How is it going?” Do you feel like you’re experiencing a Summer of Love, or a Summer of Struggles?

I’ve had a few different conversations with friends who told me that they think about the Summer of Love when they’ve just bribed or punished or yelled at their kids….and then they feel guilty or disappointed or sad about it.

So, I want to remind you today to LOVE YOURSELF this summer, too. You cannot give to your family when your own cup is empty. Tired, sweaty, stressed parents do not have endless supplies of kindness and patience to give.

It is not unusual to come to a place where you feel completely tapped out and up against a wall as you try to explain that you just don’t know where her purple cup is, or you can’t drive him to his friend’s house right now, or whatever it might be. Those are the moments when it can escalate and turn into something you’re not proud of. I know, because I’ve been there, too.

But those moments are your red flags. They are the signs to stop and ask for help. Give yourself a break. Ask a friend to play with your kids for an hour or two while you do what you need to do to take care of your own needs. Maybe you’ll go for a walk, or sit in the quiet library, or meet a friend for lunch. Self-care is not a luxury…it is essential to good parenting.

Taking the time to fill your own cup will give you a fresh perspective. You will replenish your supplies of kindness and patience and creativity. You will be able to listen to your children once again, you will understand what they need, and you will be able to find your way again.

Did you hear? It's the Summer of Love!

We are in an interesting phase of family life right now. Lest my blog readers think that everything is smiles and matching dresses over here, I wanted to share a glimpse into another corner of our daily life--- power struggles.

My daughters are 4 and nearly 3, and it feels as though we are in the thick of a new phase in which both girls test authority on a regular basis. It sort of crept up on us. Seemingly overnight, our easy-going 2 year old nudged closer to 3, and developed some very strong opinions of her own. Mix in the strong will of her older sister, and you’ve got the makings of some intense days!

But I have decided to take a huge step away from all of the intensity, to observe what is actually happening and to think clearly about what is needed right now. Some basic truths:

• Children test authority. They have different personalities and temperaments, but each in their own way, they need to push against a boundary to see that it exists and to see where they stand.
• Parents need not let this testing ruffle their feathers. Getting a rise out of a big grown-up must pique the curiosity of a little kid (or teen!) who usually doesn’t wield much power in her world.
• As parents, our challenge isn’t to “win” the power play; it’s to tactfully use our authority to guide these children toward self-control and acceptable behavior.
• A clear vision of what we want, plainly expressed will guide their wayward ships toward shore. No yelling, threats or bribery needed here. Simply an adult clearly paying attention and clearly in charge. An adult worthy of imitation.

Easier said than done? Perhaps! But it is the challenge before us, whether we feel ready for it, or not. There is no changing child development, and it does no good to resist or retreat back into old-school discipline methods.

In my house, I am declaring this the Summer of Love. It’s a little reminder that our children’s needs come first. As we navigate this awkward, testy phase I’m prepared to stick close to home, minimize activities, follow a pretty firm daily rhythm, and stop whatever I’m doing when my children’s behavior tells me they’re off-course (I know, this part doesn’t sound like a lot of fun…but it actually IS full of play and stories and hanging out together and it really is quite nice).

But the greatest thing about the Summer of Love is that it’s also a time to give some extra lovin’ to these kids of ours, no matter what else is going on in our lives. We’ll be carving out one-on-one time with me or Mike. We’ll be remembering that humor and good music are always waiting in the wings to cheer people up. And we’ll always, always be showing our children that our love and affection are unconditional. Freely flowing and totally groovy! 

Eight Things I've Learned, So Far

It has been quiet here on my blog lately. May was a busy month for my family- I had a few volunteer projects in the works and we’re all adjusting to my husband’s summer work schedule (he works for a minor league baseball team, so this is his busy season!). But it does feel great to be back in this space, writing again and thinking about what I want to share with you throughout the summer! I have a lot planned, so stay close…

Today, I’m starting off with thoughts on marriage! On this day, eight years ago, I walked down the aisle. The day was full of love and excitement and jitters. A beautiful ceremony and celebration marked the beginning of our journey together. But Mike and I laugh today to think of all that we didn’t know about each other back then, and all that we still had to learn about marriage, and about ourselves. We're still learning, of course.

For fun today, I thought I’d share Eight Things I’ve Learned, So Far (during eight years of marriage). Here goes...

Eight Things I’ve Learned, So Far

1. One of life’s great mysteries, it is impossible to know all that is in store for your marriage. Whether you realize it at the time, you do take a leap of faith on your wedding day. The future, the great unknown, lies before you.

2. You unpack so much more than suitcases when the honeymoon is over. Slowly, gradually over time, you are unpacking your histories. You are laying on the table all that the world taught you so far about communicating, generosity and what love looks like.

3. Together you look at that table, crowded with the best and the worst of what you know, and you decide what fits into your own idea of marriage, and what does not.

4. It’s not easy to change old habits. It’s not easy to be the best version of yourself every moment of every day. But it actually is easy to apologize when you are wrong. And it is easy to forgive if you allow it to be.

5. Just as children pass through their stages of development, we adults continue to learn and grow and change, as well. The ways we choose to accept and nurture each other’s changes are the defining moments of our marriage.

6. An amazing power and freedom comes from seeing yourself in a new, brighter light. Partners who believe that you can shine brighter and do anything are the best kind of partners of all.

7. Strong, happy, healthy marriages require two strong, happy, healthy people.

8. Being strong, happy and healthy requires the conscience effort to be so, and the daily work of living with that goal in mind. (And witnessing that effort, I believe, is what builds an amazing foundation for life for our children).


Photos by Seth Jacobson Photography 

And what about you? What has marriage taught you so far? Leave a comment below, or join the conversation on Facebook.

Thoughts on Warmth

I actually love seeing my children’s winter gear strewn about the house- the jackets drying on the backs of chairs, hats and mittens warming on a radiator, boots waiting by the door. I’m happy when I see my girls bundled up and warm as they play outside. And I’ve been enjoying all the ways I can warm their bodies when they come back inside—cookies right out of the oven, little mugs of hot cocoa, a game in front of the fireplace, extra blankets at story-time.

During a quiet part of the day, I’ve started curling up with a collection of lectures given by the incomparable Rudolf Steiner in the early 1900’s. The other day I was struck by this statement he made about young children:

“What you say, what you teach, does not yet make an impression,

except insofar as children imitate what you say in their own speech.

But it is what you are that matters;

if you are good this goodness will appear in your gestures…”

- from The Kingdom of Childhood

Steiner’s lecture reminds me of another aspect of warmth that needs our attention: the warmth of our words, our thoughts and our actions. Can these things also wrap themselves around our children and help them feel cozy and cared for and loved? What can we do each day to be our best selves and to make ourselves worthy of imitation?

I know that for myself, I must create some quiet moments each day to sip a cup of tea and rest for bit; I must focus on one task at a time; I must remember to breathe and to stretch; and to say less and listen more. These very small (though not easy) actions generate warmth. They bring calm and peace and pave the way for kind gestures. They bring out the sort of goodness that is worthy of imitation. Yes, those teeny actions throughout the day help me remember what matters most…

___________________________________________________________________________________

For those of you in Rhode Island, you will soon have the opportunity to spend a *warm* evening with Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting!  He will be speaking at the Meadowbrook Waldorf School in West Kingston, RI on Wednesday, February 8th at 7 pm. The evening’s topic will be The Soul of Discipline: Nurturing Healthy Behaviors in the Growing Child.

More information can be found on the Meadowbrook Waldorf School’s Facebook Page.  You may also call (401)491-9570 during the school day to register for this free event.

If you are local, I hope to see you there!!

My Spiral, My Journey

Last spring, I had the honor of being part of a one day retreat for women. We talked about what we wanted to change in our lives, we named the things we wanted more of, and we mapped out the baby steps that would gradually get us to our goals.

In those days, I spent a lot of time feeling frustrated. My toddler was “melting down” each and every day, I was often out of patience, and we were both overwhelmed. In my heart, I knew that our struggles were telling me that something was wrong. I knew the path we were on wasn’t leading toward my tender vision of childhood and parenthood, and I knew there was a better way.

At the retreat, I drew a map of my way out of that frustrated place. I drew a spiraling path, full of things that would help me connect to my daughter. I drew a path toward peace.

Now my spiral hangs on the fridge to remind me of what's important.

I finally read Simplicity Parenting from cover to cover, and was touched and humbled and inspired by the words written on page after page. I put more and more of Kim Payne’s recommendations into practice and saw immediate results. A slow, predictable rhythm, fewer choices, and fewer distractions really helped bring peace and calm to our days. As I began to release tension, I could clearly see my daughter as the young child that she was, and I could more easily be a consistent source of comfort and strength in her times of need.

Now, I am a Simplicity Parenting© Group Leader, sharing these techniques with other families. I want to help families slow down, and make space for the simple joys of childhood. My workshops give parents the tools they need to make small, do-able changes at home that will deepen family connections and create more time for fun.

I will be offering - A Simple Holiday- a free talk for parents who want more meaning, more magic and more connection this holiday season. Learn how the extraordinary “Power of Less” can help your family find peace this holiday… and all year long!
Details about A Simple Holiday and other workshops will be posted here and on my Facebook page very soon!

When it's hard....

I realize that I am not the only mom who has days when things seem to be falling apart or spiraling or escalating or overwhelming or closing in. I’ve talked to enough friends to know that we all have those days.

I had one recently...when I looked around my house, and all I could see were the unfinished projects, the loads of laundry waiting to be done, the checklist of things to do for my new little business, and all I could feel was overwhelmed. I was out of rhythm and sinking in quick sand. And, I was becoming more emotional (as in, not so kind, more demanding, louder…). It was turning into a “bad day.” Because on that day, I’d forgotten a few very important things.

First, I’d forgotten that there will be days like this. I’d forgotten that it’s normal to have low energy days once in awhile, or to feel behind sometimes. Instead of letting the overwhelmed feeling come, move through and then disappear, I tried to race it down, fight it, and beat it by taking on everything, all at once. Not really do-able.

Second, I’d forgotten to take care of myself. I’d forgotten that I woke up still feeling tired, the beginnings of a cold taking hold, so perhaps this was not the best day to tackle all the things that were bugging me.

Third, I’d forgotten to look for the simplest thing that could bring more peace.

But luckily, I did remember that a bad day is just like any other day….a series of minutes strung together into hours. Each minute carries the opportunity to change. Each minute brings a chance to do things differently. So, I started using my minutes more wisely:

I took a deep breath.

I drank a glass of water.

I let go of the overwhelmed feeling.

I gathered the girls around me. I joined their game.

We cleaned up toys.

We put on socks and shoes.

We went outside. We ran. We swung. We laughed.

I made a cup of tea.

I sat in the sunshine, sipping my tea, watching them play.

Minute by minute, everything changed. The day was new again. Salvaged, from the bad days vault. I was free to go back and find peace amid the laundry and the check lists.

In Our Family, We're Happy

It rained all day today. I took the girls out in it for a little bit, but we spent most of the day inside. Sometimes playing peacefully together, and sometimes not. Sometimes I was present with the girls, and sometimes my mind wandered. It was one of those days where the dance felt a little off. And by dinner, we were all feeling crabby.

I don’t like feeling crabby. It means I haven’t been taking care of myself, but it’s not always easy to right the ship in the middle of a mood. Some nourishing food helped, but I was still looking forward to putting the girls to bed (that’s how crabby I was!) But then, in the middle of bedtime stories, my three year old started rubbing her younger sister’s back, and giving her lots of affection. And then she announced,

“I love my sister. And you. And my daddy.”

I told her that we all loved her very much, too.

To which she replied, “Yes. In our family, we’re happy.”

And with that, the rainy day blues-blah-crabbiness just melted away. I received my lesson loud and clear. I had chosen crabby, but I could choose happy instead. So next time I feel crabby creeping in, I’m going to make a different choice. Tonight’s sweet little words will be my reminder.